Vote Jedward to kill off Eurovision once and for all

Posted by Cody Chalmers on Tuesday, June 28, 2011 · Leave a Comment 

Oh please, can’t somebody just make it stop? Once and for all? Anybody with a modicum of sense knows that Eurovision has by its very own standards been absolutely dire for years now.

For some reason a ‘live and let live’ approach has been adopted, where those of us who have any taste whatsoever have had to pretend not to mind the acres of publicity being hogged by this awful competition so that wannabe arch-ironists can take delight at acts so bad that when witnessing them you don’t know whether to cover your ears, your eyes or alternatively just throw yourself into the nearest tar pit as a drastic but understandable quick remedy.

Previously its continued existence was defended on the grounds that it allowed us to laugh at Terry Wogan getting sozzled on air and saying whatever entered his brilliant drink-addled brain; his asides most often so witty you could ignore any casual xenophobia and any rampant paranoia that would seep through towards the end of the night, usually upon the realisation that the other countries weren’t about to simultaneously drop to their kneels and laud the stupendous efforts of epochal British entries such as the prodigiously talented Scooch, the scintillating Jemini or “Elvis of the 21st Century” Josh Dubovie.

Actually, how many of the British entries from the past decade can you remember, even a teeny little bit? Indeed, how many supposed artists will you even recall five minutes after you look at the following list of names: Lindsay, Jessica Garlick, Jemini, James Fox, Javine Hylton, Daz Sampson, Scooch, Andy Abraham, Jade Ewen and Josh Dubovie? Dubovie was last year’s entry, and yet already when I hear his name I’m more certain that he was a character in a US medical drama, most likely House or Greys Anatomy.

The foreign entries are just as forgettable, even those self-consciously wacky efforts – “oh look, it’s a rotund man with a pencil moustache wearing pantyhose and singing over a hard-house backing track about why he loves seeing buxom teenage girls riding tractors!” – now so ubiquitous that it’s about as much fun as seeing your most embarrassing uncle throwing a variety of ever more desperate “shapes” on the dancefloor at a relative’s wedding to try and catch the attention of the barmaid several thousand leagues above him in the sexual food chain.

Even thinking about Eurovision is exhausting, and that’s even before the damned thing itself, which lasts for OVER THREE HOURS. And nowadays you even have SEMI-FINALS. Countries are actually fighting to GET INTO this human tragedy crammed into an outright travesty of a spectacle of hopes and dreams being condensed into a litany of utter misery. The sheer thought of it should make my BRAIN IMPLODE, were I that lucky.

So, with all that in mind, thank goodness for Ireland. After years of success with absolutely awful ballads they appear to have realised the complete pointless of the competition and made a stand. It’s as though those in charge of selecting their entry watched the amazing Song for Europe episode of Father Ted, where Ted and Dougal compose My Lovely Horse, their dreadful version only chosen so as to guarantee that Ireland loses Eurovision and doesn’t need to go to the considerable expense of hosting it the next year.

Yep, not content to have previously taken the mickey by fielding a rubber puppet turkey screeching “Eastern Europe, we love you/Do you love Irish Stew?” over an irritating and incessant Euro-pop beat , Ireland has managed to stoop even lower than that.

Ah, Jedward. Absolutely amazing on Twitter On record, not so much. If by “not so much” you mean “the worst thing to happen to music since Mr Blobby hit number one”.

I was always against voting for Jedward as a means of torpedoing The X Factor by making its winners joke figures, because it was obviously always Simon Cowell’s intention to reap the extra dosh from the added viewing figures and phone votes of those bored stupid or just plain against the contrived reality format. But not on this occasion, oh no – I’m all for voting for the conical-hair assassins of music as we’ve known and loved it. Ireland is taking a brave stand; I’m guess that’s it not for financial reward, but is instead because it’s already inflicted enough musical suffering on the world through Westlife, Boyzone and U2, and is finally trying to atone for such atrocities by ending the whole fiasco that is Eurovision once and for all.

Well, surely that must be it, mustn’t it? They can’t have actually submitted that entry hoping it might win, when it makes Blue’s outrageously bland effort – which is so boring I can’t even muster the effort to link to it – for Britain appear a serious contender by comparison? Just set a reminder as to when you need to vote: you don’t want to actually have to watch the show itself to remember when to cast your protest vote. No cause, no matter how worthy, is worth that. Just pay attention to Jedward’s Tweets, they’ll hold the key as always, and be 10 million times more entertaining to boot.

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